Anonymous Mommy Thoughts

And in the end does it matter?

2011-01-18T14:25:00.004-05:00

I am feeling a bit pessimistic today. I am having one of those days where the more I do for people, more problems I come across. I am a believer of volunteerism. I believe that everyone should do their part and help someone in some kind of way. I don't volunteer for the wrong reasons, I do it because it makes me feel good. I love being able to give back to the community or to other people without getting anything in return (except the good feeling that I've made a difference). There are some days, that the more I do for others, the more crap I get back in return and those good feelings are replaced with disgust and anger and resentment. Maybe I am putting myself out there too much and people are starting to take advantage? Maybe I am volunteering too much? Maybe I need to pull back a little and stop being nice.

Funny, when I use the word, nice, I usually don't think of myself. I am thoughtful, respectful, organized, strict, conservative, controlling, a giver of my time, but not nice. In fact, when someone tells me I'm nice, I laugh because I really think the word does not fit me. At all.

I am the type of person who will help you, if you ask. I also will ask you if you need help and follow through. I will try my best to be there for you, especially if I have been "there" myself and can help you get through. I also give up my time to help others: I teach religion to a group of 1st graders; I run a special ed support group; I help parents of special needs kids; I will do research for you if you need special ed help; I help out in my kids' school too; the lists are never-ending. I have educated myself with the hopes of using what I know to help other people. I have also been known to run to help a friend or a relative, and I have never taken a gift or expected anything back in return for helping. That is what I do. This is who I am. I am a giver. I feel good about helping and giving my time.

But today, I am not feeling it. After spending an entire morning helping out another parent, the rest of the day I have spent taking care of my personal business. With every turn I made, the day got worse & worse. Things are not working out for me. All of the energy I put into helping others, I am now wishing I had a guardian angel to send a ME to me. I need someone to come along and offer their assistance, advice, support, whatever.

I am not contradicting myself here. I still feel that you should never do something for someone and look for a return on what you have done. When I go to my religion class every week prepared with a lesson about God, I am not saying, "Can you help me now?" I didn't go to my meeting this morning and say to whoever was listening, "How about my turn, can you do something for me?" I didn't watch a friend's baby a few months ago and ask for them to watch my children next time. I just don't do that. I guess I am just expecting that the universe lighten up on me and give me a freaking break once in a while. I don't need to do good deed after good deed and have tons of bad luck happen. I want to be thankful and only thankful for what's in my life. I don't want to start complaining about how unfair life is and how much I have to work at having the simplest of things go right for me. I don't want to get sucked into the black hole of self pity. I want good things to happen to everyone in response to all the hard work that is done. That has always been the ultimate outcome of why I give back to others, the reason why I volunteer.

Today, I am just feeling pessimistic, let down. I don't want a parade, I don't even want acknowledgment. Seeing positive results in the end is all I really care about.

So, in the end, does it matter? Yes, I think it does. Someday when I am knocking at Heaven's door, I will look back and feel good about what I've done. Just for now, I just need a little reassurance.

Colonoscopy Thoughts

2010-12-29T17:53:00.007-05:00

Colonoscopy. One of the most dreaded words spoken. Why? Well, I can tell you first hand the answer to that question. I am doing my prep for it as I type. Yes, I really am! I have done this before and I will have to do it again. Depending on the results tomorrow, I will either have to go back in 2-3 years or 5 years. I am hoping for the 5 year news.

I am 35 years old. On my 29th birthday, we realized I was bleeding from someplace, so upon further exam, we (being the doctors & I) realized that I was bleeding from somewhere in my colon. They ruled out everything else, and with the past history of colon cancer on my maternal grandmother AND maternal grandfather's side, they thought they would play it safe and do a colonoscopy. It would be another year and a half before I would schedule it. I made so many excuses: "Well, it is probably nothing, I am so young," and there was the, "I have my hands full with my son's medical condition, and I can't imagine going under anesthesia with my son having seizures that put him in the hospital," and then I wrapped it up with, "Do I really want to do that disgusting prep??" I made a million excuses. And finally I gave in and scheduled it. That was 4 years ago.

It was November of 2006 when I had my first colonoscopy. It was not that bad. The worst part was not knowing what to expect with the actual test, and when it was over, I said to everyone that I complained to for months, that it wasn't that bad. I was scared, though, when the doctor told me he cut out 2 pretty big polyps and that they would have to be tested for cancer. He told me that I will need to go back in 3 years to get re-checked. The polyps turned out to be okay, but it put me on alert that I could potentially die from the same thing both my grandparents died from: colon cancer.

Now, I was supposed to go back for a colonoscopy last year, but I hand my hands full with my autoimmune illness; I was battling something else for most of the year. I had to put it off until now because I couldn't go through a colonoscopy with everything else I was going through, my body could not handle it. When I scheduled my colonoscopy back in the beginning of November, they told me things have changed a bit since the last time I went. The only thing that actually changed was the actual prep. It went from taking a 3oz bottle of laxative prep to a half gallon of disgusting laxative prep. Stupid me, decided to Google the name of the prep, and from what I read, scared the shit out of me. If it weren't for the polyp scare 4 years ago, I probably would have put this off, again. You see, I am right in the middle of the prep as I type; I am half way through the half gallon (of this innocent looking stuff - which looks like water). I could deal with the liquid diet for a day (piece of cake), I could even deal with the results of going to the bathroom 20 times in an hour (easy as pie), I can even deal with the anesthesia tomorrow, and the probability of them finding more polyps and cutting them out and having a fever, pain, & inflammation for 3 days, post-colonoscopy. I can deal with all that. What has me gagging and wanting to vomit, is the taste of the laxative shit. I did everything imaginable to make the taste better, or easier, but I am losing. I was supposed to drink 8 oz every 15 minutes until 32 oz was done in an hour. I did 32 oz in 2.5 hours, and I barely did that. I still have to look forward to drinking another 32 oz to finish my prep completely.

I have to tell you, that after having a IV PICC line put in, having a spinal tap, bone marrow biopsy, 2 c-sections, and a lot of other invasive procedures (while awake), drinking this laxative tops it all as one of the worst things EVER. I keep telling myself with every swig, that I would rather drink it, than die of colon cancer.

So, I have to run (literally), and think about starting my 2nd dose of the most disgusting stuff I have ever consumed in my life.

************************************************************

Update: I am happy to share with you that my procedure was all good. I am so relieved that it is over. But, I do have to do it again in 4 years, not 5. Maybe next time, they will have found a new & better prep.

The Most Boring Post I've Written

2010-12-23T13:20:00.004-05:00

Okay! I am breaking the cycle of not blogging for nearly 3 months. This may be short, this may be boring, but at least I have written something, right?

I am working on a post (in my head), and it should be finished when the new year rolls in.

In the meantime, I want to wish all my readers (all 3 of them), a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year! I am so looking forward to 2011!

Today, of all days

2010-10-01T08:59:00.005-04:00

I am sitting on the couch at 9am next to my son, Little One. He should be in school, I should be doing my chores. Instead of our daily routine, I am watching him for signs of a concussion from a head injury this morning.

Today of all days.

Every morning since school started, the kids fight like cats & dogs before school. Right until the bus pulls up to the stop, they are going at each other, saying mean stuff, throwing things, pushing each other. When they get home, we are not even up the driveway when they resume their back & forth sibling rivalry. She is jealous of him, he is responding back to her, on & on it goes.

This morning, I was amazed that we were all ready for school with a few minutes to spare. I popped into the bathroom quickly and I was about 10 feet from them when I heard it, "Ahhhh. STOP!"
"No, you stop."
"MOmmy."
"Maa-EE."
And then I heard it. Boom! "OUCH!" and then the tears...
I was only in the bathroom for 30 seconds. Really? I can't even do a quick pee?? I run out to see my son on the ground with my daughter already in denial mode, "I didn't do it."
"Yes her did."
"Well he did it to me first."
"Noooo."
"ok. WHAT happened?" Just the sound of my voice makes them quickly tell the truth.

From what I can figure and from what they confessed 3 minutes later, he followed her into a different room and back again while she was brushing her hair, and then he threw something at her to get her to stop walking away from him so that he can talk to her, and then she got mad because he wouldn't leave her alone, so she threw something at his head. Seconds later the injury formed what I like to call a "goose-egg." A nice long bump formed from his forehead to under his hair. Nice. I was so mad because the bus is on it's way, he is crying, she is crying because she feels bad (she doesn't care about punishment, she is worried that she hurt him bad). So I make the 6 second decision to put her on the bus and keep him home with ice on his head. I called the school after 30 minutes to ask the nurse when I can bring him into school and she said I needed to wait 3-4 hours and keep a close eye on him. OMFG. I know from experience that a head injury can cause seizures in someone who has epilepsy. So I not only have to deal with a possible concussion (which I am pretty sure he doesn't have), but I also have to deal with possible seizures. I am so mad. I need to deal with how I am going to punish the children. And then there is the question of who should get punished. My daughter is definitely getting punished, but should my son? I say no, but he did start it, but he did get hurt and had to miss school. Being a mom and making these tough decisions is so hard. And what will be a good punishment for my daughter? I am angry and I don't want to punish her out of anger, but she did ruin my day. She is old enough to know that throwing something at her brother's head can have serious repercussions. Grrr....

There goes my day.
Today, of all days.

Today. Today... Today, October 1st, is the anniversary of my sister's accident which killed her 5 days later. It was actually a Friday afternoon when she fell off her bike, hit her head, developed a concussion, and then died.

Today, I'm watching my son for signs of a concussion & possible seizure after a head injury.

I don't want to deal with head injuries today, of all days. I don't want to deal with sibling fighting. I don't want to deal with any of it. But the kids don't understand that. They are expecting Mommy to think of a punishment and follow through. And I will. But today, of all days, I don't want to. I want to take both children hug them tight and tell them I love them. I want to tell them how precious life is and how quickly it can all be gone. I want to protect them, keep them safe, and be the best Mommy I can be.

Today of all days, I know how short life can be and how quickly it can all change. You can be laughing or playing one minute and be gone the next. Life can be cruel sometimes.

Today...is just another anonymous mommy thought written out loud...

A New Me!

2010-09-20T09:48:00.003-04:00

I am EXCITED! I am excited about life and good health and all things positive.

"Did Melissa go a little nuts over the summer?"

"No, she is just feeling great!"

I had very rough time last winter & spring & summer. My health was failing, I was losing control over the family and the house, and I was starting to feel like things were never gonna be normal again. What a difference 6 weeks makes because now I am getting stronger and stronger every day. I am back in control in all areas of my life and I am looking ahead to a bright, healthy future. There are suddenly so many things I want to do, and I have a list of goals for the next year. It is funny how being so sick and hitting bottom makes you stronger. Yes, I am stronger because of all of this. How can you not be?

The last time I had a bad relapse, my son wasn't born and my daughter was a year and a half years old. I have had small little month long set backs since then, but nothing as severe as this past year. It hit my family HARD. I am not going to even go there because this is supposed to be an uplifting post. I am proud of my family for getting through this and now I know we can make it through anything.

6 weeks ago when I got my PICC pulled and got the okay to start doing some of my normal routine, I started walking. First it was just a walk down the driveway (which was difficult for me). Then it was down the block. Now it is a full 2 miles, uphill, downhill, and with 25 mph winds blowing at me. I feel good. I have already lost 12 pounds and I am feeling energized! I have to pace myself and listen to my body. When I get tired I need to rest and when I am having a bad day, I need to back off.

My doctor was terrific throughout the last year. He gave me wonderful advice recently. He asked me if I knew about airplane safety (like what would happen in an emergency). He said, "When those masks fall down, what are you supposed to do first?"

"Put my mask on my face and then help my kids."

"Yes! You are always supposed to take care of yourself first and then you will be able to help the kids. If you don't take care of yourself first, how do you expect to care for the kids properly?"

My doctor is wise. It also helps that he has 2 kids close to my children's ages. I am learning that Mommy comes first. Yes, the kids are the most important in my life, but I need to be on top of my game in order to fully be there for them.

I am still not 100 percent yet; I am still on meds and I still have a little ways to go, but I am stronger and getting healthier everyday.

End of the year gifts

2010-06-23T19:25:00.002-04:00

Tomorrow is the last day of school (if you can actually call it a day - it is really just 2 hours). And with the last day of school comes good-byes and good-bye gifts.

Yesterday, I attended a kindergarten picnic at Little One’s school. It felt like it was 100 degrees outside and I was hot, cranky, and tired. As I sat there on the damp grass with my very dark sunglasses on, I watched the other parents and their interactions with others around them. 45 minutes later I was disgusted. I couldn’t wait to get home and take a shower. The phony laughs, the pretentious gifts that were given to teachers, the comments, “Oh, you got her a better gift than I got, I guess I will have to go get another one and give it to her tomorrow,” and my favorite, “Your wrapping is prettier than mine, that’s not fair.” It is amazing their children are not more bratty than they are, with parents like that.

Out of 18 children in my son’s class, 17 of them gave presents, some of them were really expensive too. The only one that didn’t give, was me. And the teacher noticed. BOY, did she notice. I didn’t even get a good-bye when I left, she didn’t even make eye contact with me. And yes I noticed because she made her way around to all the parents and thanked them for coming and for their gifts. I thought about buying gifts for all the teachers, but I realized that if I just spent $10 per teacher, it would have set me back several hundred dollars. My son doesn’t just have 1 teacher, like my daughter, he has numerous ones, and aides too. And I can’t start to pick and choose who will get a gift (even though I could have because of the ones who are deserving and those who aren’t), then they will really shoot me dirty looks next year. I decided back at Christmastime when I was faced with the same problem that I would bake Christmas cookies and give all the teachers & aides a plate of nicely wrapped cookies. They all loved them, except my son’s main teacher. She never said thank you, and was the only one who didn’t write me a thank you note (not that I wanted a thank you note because I didn’t). Bitch. I guess it came to me back in December that I wouldn’t be buying any end of the year gift for her.

As the class mom for both of my children’s classes, I got asked several times by parents about having every child contribute some money for one joint gift. When I said that I wasn’t doing that, it was met with a “uh, What?” When I told them that I don’t like putting pressure on the families who are struggling financially and how there were times in the past when I had already bought a small gift and I was forced to contribute more money and I couldn’t afford it. And there were a few times that I was told if I didn’t contribute they couldn’t get the gift they wanted (like we were the reason for the teacher being deprived of a fancy extravagant gift).

I believe all this gift giving just gets out of hand. Gifts should be because you want to give them. It should be something thoughtful and because you feel they went above and beyond. Like my daughter’s teacher. She has to be the best teacher at the elementary school. She has gone to extremes to help my daughter this year. My daughter wasn’t struggling with her math or reading or writing or spelling, in fact she was ahead of the class in those areas. She was struggling with her emotions. And this 3rd grade teacher finally was able to break through and help her. This was the first time in years that I didn’t receive one phone call about Drama Princesses behavior. My daughter had a fantastic year and I owe it all to the dedicated teacher. So tomorrow I am giving her a small gift certificate to get a pedicure at her favorite salon and I wrote her a thank you letter. It was not just a simple thank you, I wrote her a detailed letter about the impact she made on my daughter and how that impacted the family. She deserved the gift and the letter. That is what gifts should be about; it is not just something you have to buy because everyone else does. I wish I could send this message to my son’s teacher. Who knows, maybe she secretly reads Anonymous blogs?

Dinner time Drama

2010-06-16T09:05:00.001-04:00

I was sitting at dinner last night and it started with a kick.
“Ouch! STOP! MOMMMMMEEEEEEEE!!! Make him stop.”
“Stop it Little One.”
“Owwwww-Wa!”
“Little One stop kicking.”
“Well now she kickin’ me.”
“Drama Princess, stop. You didn’t like it done to you, why are you doing it?”
“Well he won’t stop. Ouch! Mommy, see he’s STILL kicking. Take that you little brat!!”
“Ouch! Ma-eee, her hurt me.”
“Good.” As both heads turn to look at me
I received a “What?” at the same time.
“You heard me. I am tired of this fighting every night. Stop kicking each other…
“But HE started it…”
“No, Her started it.”
“No He.”
“No her.”
“No…”
“KNOCK IT OFF RIGHT NOW, BOTH OF YOU!”
“Ouch!”
“Ma-eee.”
I decided to tune them out at that moment. The night before I gave one of them a time out during dinner, the night before that one of them lost dessert, and the night before that I left the table. I have tried about 50 different things. Last night I tried something different.
“Mommy??”
“Ma-ee??”
“Mommy?”
“Come on Mommy, what are you doing, huh?
“Mammeee??”
“Is she okay?”
“Hellloooooo, Mommy, stop it.”
“Mommeee, (s)top it.”
“Come on, this is not funny, Mommy.”
“We (s)orry.”
“Yeah, come on Mommy, we’re sorry. We won’t do it again.”
Yeah right until tomorrow night. And I’ll do the same thing as I did last night. NOTHING!

What's Next?

2010-01-06T10:03:00.005-05:00

It is the week after the holidays and I am sitting here thinking about what's next. I spent all summer getting ready for school to begin and preparing myself to let my 5 year old go to school full time. Then, when school began, I was in a whirl wind of activities, field trips, parties, Halloween. Then it was Thanksgiving, and then it was my favorite time of the year, Christmas. Along the way, we also started and completed a remodeling job in my bedroom, we painted the kids' bedrooms, and did Fall cleaning. I packed a lot of jobs into a short 3 month time slot.
Now, I am left feeling, now what? There are no more remodeling jobs, there is no fun activities or parties at school, there is no baking cookies, shopping for presents, and no decorating. It is too cold to do any outdoor activities and I am too broke from Christmas to go shopping. Should I find a part time job? Should I volunteer more at school? Should I sit on my ass and watch TV all day? I just don't know what is next for me. I know many moms (and dads) face the same dilemma when they have kids in school full time. This is also a rough time of the year because of the winter weather.

Part of the problem with taking a job is the fear that I will be taking a lot of sick days due to my kids getting sick. I don't want to make a commitment and break it all in the same week. And I have good reason to worry about that. Little One, my 5 year old, has been sick every other week since he began school. He has had 5 viral infections just since Thanksgiving and about 8 since September. And of those illnesses, he has had strep throat once, 2 ear infections, 2 cases of bronchitis, the flu, and some run of the mill cold viruses with fever.

I could volunteer more too because I dropped a few of the volunteer positions I've had the last couple of years. But. But, do I really want to put my entire heart and soul into something again to have ungrateful shit heads stamp all over it and ruin all the good that I did? My heart couldn't take it again. Or could it?

I could also start another project around here. But we don't have the money and the house projects that are left to do are huge and I would need help to start and complete.

So where does that lead me? Back to the beginning to figure out what is next. Maybe something will come to me or hit me over the head in the meantime...

Beauty Treatment

2009-10-19T18:03:00.011-04:00

I am sitting here with egg on my face. No, seriously, I am really sitting here with egg on my face. I found a homemade recipe for a facial. You take an egg white (1 will do) and add a few squirts of fresh lemon juice and beat with a fork for a few seconds and you take the yucky mixture and spread it on your face. Let it sit for 20 minutes until it really dries and makes your face feel tight and firm, and rinse off with warm water. It really does work. I have also found out the last few days that if you put a little honey on a Q-Tip and dab it on pimples, it makes them go away quicker too.

You may be asking yourself why am I into giving myself a homemade facial? Well, my darling children (aka my beauty consultants) have had a lot to say about my appearance lately. And my 5 year old, who never says anything but "I love you Mommy," also has made a few comments about my overall look. A few weeks into school, he tells me that he told his classroom aide that she "is really skinny" and that he likes "really skinny people"...and that "mommy is not skinny, just a little bit fat." He tells me this in bits and pieces over a few days (because he forgot!). So I ask him about fat & skinny people. He tells me that they are the same and he still likes them, they just look a little bit different (ok, well at least he is not judging people based on their outside appearance - what a relief!). He goes on to tell me that he still loves me, whether I am "a lot fat, a little bit fat, or really skinny like his aide." I gently remind him that telling people that they are too fat or skinny is not nice and to not say those things to anyone because it may hurt their feelings and make them sad. He catches on quick and asks me if I feel sad when he tells me that I am a "little bit fat," and when I tell him "yes," he says, "well you only have certain parts that are a little bit fat, the other parts are ok." My 5 year old really knows how to make me feel better!! And yes, I am laughing. My little guy is just so darn cute!

So, my 8 year old daughter tells me the other day that she will "always look younger and better than me" and that "it is just a fact of life." She then asks me if I am "planning on doing something about my pimples on my face because they don't make me look very good." And that I need to do something about my clothes - although my shoes are ok. Nice. Is she having secret conversations with my mother lately?? My mother makes it a point almost every time I see her to point out my gray hair (which is getting worse), the periodic pimples that show up on my face (normally around a a certain time of the month), and my weight (specifically in a certain area of my body). You would think that I look like an Ogre or something. But I do try to take care of myself. Granted, I stopped coloring my hair about 2 years ago because it wasn't doing a thing to cover up the stubborn grays, and I should take better care of my skin every day, not just when I get a hormone surge. I should try to do something different about my weight issues, but the issues my mother has is about a certain area that needs a reduction (and I am NOT having surgery). She actually understands why I am having such a difficult time losing weight around my other areas and it is not for a lack of trying (I just walked 3 miles in less than 50 minutes today).

For people who do not know me, I do try to take care of myself, I really do. I wear makeup every day, keep my hair clean and styled, and up until a few weeks ago, I had my nails done all the time. I do not dress like a slob and most of the time I only wear sneakers when I walk. Most of the time, I am put together. So with all the comments lately, I am feeling like I need a refresher course in beauty. And with the kids in school all day, I have the time for it. I think part of me has been in denial that I am now in my mid 30's, so I have only been doing the things I did 10 years ago. Obviously, doing the same things as I did 10 years ago is not working - I need more pampering & care. I am finding out that as we age, our face & body suffers the most. 10 years ago, walking 3-4 miles everyday kept me trim & fit. I didn't worry about acne, gray hair, or how my clothes looked. I didn't think I would get fat, gray, or saggy until I got old...

God, does this mean I am old?

Huh? Can you say that again?

2009-10-14T16:41:00.009-04:00

"Huh? Can you say that again? I didn't quite understand you the first time." Is what I hear a lot. Granted I am not a soft speaker, in fact I am a little on the loud side. It has nothing to do with hearing me anyway, it has to do with understanding me - you know, trying to figure out what the hell I am talking about.

I hate the phone. I hate talking to people over the phone. Sure, I talk to my mother 1-7 times a day, and I catch up with my friends once a week, my good friends several times a week, and I talk to my hubby every morning when he gets to work, but overall, I dislike the phone. If I am busy, I don't dare pick up a call because who wants to be rude to the person on the other end? Most times it is easier to call someone back and hope that they are not busy later on. And with caller id, I can decide if I want to talk the person on the other end. Now, the worst part about the phone with me is talking to strangers. I don't care for talking to people I don't know. I've always had a hard time making conversation (small talk) with someone who has called to chit chat or a new friend who wants to get to know me better. I am self conscious about my speech, grammar, intelligence; in other words, I don't want to sound like an idiot on the phone when I am talking to Drama Tween's (my 8 yr old) friend's mother. I have been known to repeat myself when there is a weird silence, stutter when I get nervous, say "um" a lot when I am uncomfortable, and use words incorrectly. Yeah, my English degree comes shining through when I am on the phone.

And the worst part? I am not much better in person. I have a hard time making conversation with people I don't know and when someone makes me nervous (which happens a lot). And the more I try, the worse it is. It becomes a social nightmare for me...put me in a big group and I freeze. I hate Parent Night at school, big parties, weddings, school sporting events, anything that would have a huge crowd of strangers. I think I can blame my communication & speech professors in college. I took a lot of public speaking courses to try to get over my anxiety with public speaking. I knew that I wanted to be a teacher or lawyer (I ended up getting a degree in education & English). Both professions have a lot of public speaking, so I wanted to get myself ready. I suffered through the courses, dealt with the harsh lessons, and changed my bad ways. Well, at lease until I graduated. I then, of course, went back to my old ways of talkin' bad and also became self conscious about it (thanks professors!).

Ok, so this post is not about my terrible phone and public speaking skills, it is about how I volunteered to make 16 phone calls to parents asking them for help. I love to volunteer, I try my best to help out a lot. And I try to do it all without making phone calls. If I can email, write a letter, send out a notice, I will do that. But if I have to call people or give out my phone number to receive calls, I have anxiety. So my daughter's teacher asked me to help arrange a classroom breakfast. I have to call parents and ask them to donate food/supplies for this (first of many) functions. The first call was easy. My good friend (I'll call her Mel), has a daughter in my daughter's class. Mel & I go walking 3-4 times a week, and talk almost every day. She was the first call I made today asking if she wanted to volunteer to bring anything in for the party, um, breakfast. Funny how, when I spoke to Mel, my words were clear, my tone was calm, and I was not nervous. After that call, however, I decided to write up what I would say to the 16 parents who I still had to call. I even had something written up if I had to leave a message on one of those (cold-computerized) voice mail thingies. The first call was actually easy. The woman who answered was the grandmother of a student and she was the sweetest, most generous sounding woman I've ever spoken to. The next call after that, immediately threw me into a mumbling, bumbling speech pit of hell. The woman was slightly off and not nice at all. You would have thought I was calling to tell her that I was a convict out on parole looking to babysit her children for 5o dollars an hour! Maybe she had a bad day and was drinking, heavily. Or maybe she was on too many prescription drugs. Or maybe she had 8 kids at home all sick with the flu. I don't know, but really, did she have to be so nasty towards a classroom volunteer?

After my calls, I felt brave. I felt like I had accomplished something big. It is funny how an educated, 34 year old mother of 2 can turn into a complete and utter idiot at the sound of a telephone ring or dial tone, or when she walks into a classroom full of other parents. Now, all I have to do is meet these parents the morning of the party and speak to them in person. That won't be so hard. Right?

Changes

2009-09-30T09:36:00.004-04:00

I didn't know if I would ever come back, but here I am ready to roll...out my thoughts.

It has been an interesting couple of months since I've left you. I spent a good part of the summer getting my youngest ready for full day kindergarten and my oldest ready for 3rd grade. She didn't have a very good 2nd grade year, so I wanted to make sure history didn't repeat itself.

I also spent a good amount of the summer getting myself mentally prepared for being home alone. You see, I was a full time mom for 8.5 years, and now I am a full time, um... I can't think of a good word here... a full time,... full time,... a full time,... cook, housekeeper, personal shopper, walker, computer researcher, do nothing all day woman - yeah I like that, I am a full time do nothing all day woman. So from 8:20am until 3:57pm, I do nothing, but goof off. And after 8 years, it feels damn good! If I want to shop, meet my husband for lunch (which I did yesterday), workout, talk on the phone for hours, clean, sit and watch tv, read a book, I can do it, or not.

Don't get me wrong, I am not totally in love with my new found freedom yet (even though I try to talk myself into it each and every morning). After 2 hours of crazy chaos every morning, once those kids get on the bus, I walk back into a too quiet of a house (is that possible?). I miss the company, I miss someone to talk to, yell at, pamper. I miss being a full time mom. I quickly snap out of it when I am greeted by the yelling, running, crazy kids at 4pm. I think to myself, each and every afternoon, what the hell was I thinking at 9am??