And in the end does it matter?

I am feeling a bit pessimistic today. I am having one of those days where the more I do for people, more problems I come across. I am a believer of volunteerism. I believe that everyone should do their part and help someone in some kind of way. I don't volunteer for the wrong reasons, I do it because it makes me feel good. I love being able to give back to the community or to other people without getting anything in return (except the good feeling that I've made a difference). There are some days, that the more I do for others, the more crap I get back in return and those good feelings are replaced with disgust and anger and resentment. Maybe I am putting myself out there too much and people are starting to take advantage? Maybe I am volunteering too much? Maybe I need to pull back a little and stop being nice.

Funny, when I use the word, nice, I usually don't think of myself. I am thoughtful, respectful, organized, strict, conservative, controlling, a giver of my time, but not nice. In fact, when someone tells me I'm nice, I laugh because I really think the word does not fit me. At all.

I am the type of person who will help you, if you ask. I also will ask you if you need help and follow through. I will try my best to be there for you, especially if I have been "there" myself and can help you get through. I also give up my time to help others: I teach religion to a group of 1st graders; I run a special ed support group; I help parents of special needs kids; I will do research for you if you need special ed help; I help out in my kids' school too; the lists are never-ending. I have educated myself with the hopes of using what I know to help other people. I have also been known to run to help a friend or a relative, and I have never taken a gift or expected anything back in return for helping. That is what I do. This is who I am. I am a giver. I feel good about helping and giving my time.

But today, I am not feeling it. After spending an entire morning helping out another parent, the rest of the day I have spent taking care of my personal business. With every turn I made, the day got worse & worse. Things are not working out for me. All of the energy I put into helping others, I am now wishing I had a guardian angel to send a ME to me. I need someone to come along and offer their assistance, advice, support, whatever.

I am not contradicting myself here. I still feel that you should never do something for someone and look for a return on what you have done. When I go to my religion class every week prepared with a lesson about God, I am not saying, "Can you help me now?" I didn't go to my meeting this morning and say to whoever was listening, "How about my turn, can you do something for me?" I didn't watch a friend's baby a few months ago and ask for them to watch my children next time. I just don't do that. I guess I am just expecting that the universe lighten up on me and give me a freaking break once in a while. I don't need to do good deed after good deed and have tons of bad luck happen. I want to be thankful and only thankful for what's in my life. I don't want to start complaining about how unfair life is and how much I have to work at having the simplest of things go right for me. I don't want to get sucked into the black hole of self pity. I want good things to happen to everyone in response to all the hard work that is done. That has always been the ultimate outcome of why I give back to others, the reason why I volunteer.

Today, I am just feeling pessimistic, let down. I don't want a parade, I don't even want acknowledgment. Seeing positive results in the end is all I really care about.

So, in the end, does it matter? Yes, I think it does. Someday when I am knocking at Heaven's door, I will look back and feel good about what I've done. Just for now, I just need a little reassurance.